(no subject)

[dr_tranny]

So there's this kid in Alabama, and all he dreams of doing when he grows up is driving streetcars. As soon as he graduates from school, he heads to California, determined to make his dreams come true. He lands up in L.A., and gets a job driving the monorail at Disneyland, figuring it's pretty close to a streetcar. Everything is going great for him. He's loving his job and loving life. Then, six months later, he has an accident and ends up killing 3 passengers on his train. He freaks out, and flees the area.

He heads north, and finds himself in streetcar heaven, San Francisco. He manages to luck into a job driving the streetcar, and can't believe his good fortune. Everything is just wonderful. Then, about a year later, after a bad night's sleep, he falls asleep at the controls and crashes his streetcar into a city bus. More than 50 people are killed or injured, and again he flees the area.

He heads north again, this time ending up in Seattle. After a few weeks, he manages to get a job operating the monorail at the Seattle Center. He promises himself this time it'll be for good, and he won't have any more accidents. But 8 months later, he falls asleep at the controls again, and manages to derail the monorail, killing over a hundred people, and knocking himself unconscious. This time he's unable to flee, and he's apprehended by the Seattle Police.

During the course of their investigation, the SPD discovers that he's wanted in connection with the previous two accidents. Because the newest incident has a higher death toll, local authorities ask for and are granted first right of prosecution. Because of the sheer number of people he's killed (although by accident), and because of his apparent tendency for accidentally killing people in large numbers, he's tried and convicted for the murders of 30 of the most horrifically mangled of the local victims, and sentenced to death.

After sitting on death row for 5 years, he petitions the court to expedite his execution, claiming that it's unreasonable to have him sitting idly for so long. The state supreme court agrees, and he's scheduled to be put to death by electric chair the next Friday. Thursday morning arrives, and the warden visits him to ask what he wants for his final meal. He says "I want a warm beer, an old apple core, and a slice of stale bread." The warden blinks a few times, and says "No, really, what do you want for your final meal? Anything you want; steak, pizza, lobster, fried chicken, whatever." The guy repeats "I want a warm beer, an old apple core, and a slice of stale bread." The warden just shakes his head and says "Okay, if you insist." Later that night the guy's beer, apple core, and stale bread are delivered, and he eats his last meal.

The next evening, he's led to The Chair. The prison chaplain prays with him, and he's strapped in. The appointed time comes, and the executioner throws the switch. 50,000 volts shoot through his body for a good 5 minutes, and when the circuit is broken and the hood is taken off his head, he blinks a couple of times and says "Thanks, that felt just like a good massage." Nobody can believe he survived, and he's led back into his cell until it can be decided what to do with him.

Although there's a huge outcry that he should be freed, since they tried to execute him and failed, he refuses to allow them to set him free, insisting that he be put to death for what he'd done, and after a good 10 years of legal wranglings, he gets his wish and is once again scheduled to be electrocuted the following Friday.

Thursday morning the warden pays him a visit again, asking him what he wants for his last meal. They guys says "I want a warm beer, an old apple core, and a slice of stale bread." The warden says "No, really, come on. We'll hire a caterer, a 5-star celebrity chef, anything you want!" The guys says "I want a warm beer, an old apple core, and a slice of stale bread." The warden sighs, shakes his head, and wanders back to his office muttering to himself. Later that night his beer, apple core, and stale bread arrive, and again he eats his last meal.

The next evening he's led back to The Chair. The chaplain prays with him again, and he's strapped in. This time the executioner is ordered to increase the voltage to 100,000 volts and to leave the circuit open for 15 minutes. When the appropriate time arrives, the executioner throws the switch, sending 100,000 volts through the guy's body. 15 minutes later he opens the circuit, and removes the hood. The guy blinks a few times, and says "Thanks, I think that might have burned out my hemmorhoids." The executioner faints, and the guy is again led back to his cell to wait until they figure out what to do with him.

This time even the Governor gets involved, saying that surviving two execution attempts deserves a release, but the guy still refuses, insisting that what he's done is unforgivable and he deserves to die. He even petitions the US Supreme Court, and the Court sides with him, granting his request to be executed. Following the decision, the state concocts a new way to execute him.

Two weeks later he's taken by prison bus to the Grand Coulee Dam, and locked in a special cell. The warden visits him that evening, asking him what he wants for his final meal. The guy says "I want a warm beer, an old apple core, and a slice of stale bread." The warden starts laughing, saying "No, you don't get it. We've got you this time. You're not walking out of here. You are going to die tomorrow. What do you want for your last meal? Hell, I'll have my wife make you a home-cooked meal if you want!" The guy just smiles and says "I want a warm beer, an old apple core, and a slice of stale bread." The warden walks away rubbing his temples and swearing under his breath. Later that evening, as requested, the guy again receives his beer, apple core, and stale bread and eats it.

The next afternoon, the guy is led from his cell back to the prison bus. He's driven onto the dam itself, and the bus stops right in the middle. The guy sees a large copper kettle suspended between several high-voltage electrical wires, with a small bridge connecting the kettle and the dam. The chaplain prays with him, and he's walked out to the end of the bridge. The executioner explains that the kettle is filled about half-way, or 4 feet deep, with water. When the signal is given, electricity from the dam's generators will flow through the high-voltage lines attached to the kettle, sending several million volts through his body and effectively boiling him alive. The guy is placed in the kettle, the bridge is retracted, and the signal is given. A loud humming noise is heard, and the water in the kettle begins to steam. Sparks are flying from the connections to the kettle. After nearly half an hour, the electricity is shut off. They give the kettle a few minutes to cool off, and the bridge is extended to check on what's left of the guy. When the executioner reaches the end of the bridge, the guy looks up at him and says "Hey, thanks for the hot bath. I've been dying for one of those for years!" The executioner wordlessly dives off the top of the dam.

The warden, meanwhile, sprints out to the end of the bridge as the guy is hauling himself out of the kettle. He grabs the guy by the throat and starts screaming at him "HOW THE HELL DO YOU DO IT!?!?!??!?!? WHAT IS IT, THE APPLES???!?! THE BEER!?!?!?!? THE BREAD!!?!?!?!? MAGIC!?!?!?!? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?????!?!?"

The guy just shrugs and says, "Nah, I guess I'm just a bad conductor."




*ducks the rotten tomatoes and runs*